No suckage, our guarantee.
 By Jeremy Azevedo |
Endless hype for stupid entertainment products surround us at all times. Hype that blinds us with enormous glossy turds, making it hard to see the little gems that maybe don’t have millions of advertising dollars helping to shove them right in our faces. |
That’s why the C4 Anti Suck algorithim was invented, to scientifically sift through all the junk and find four things that absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, will not suck in any way.
Funny Games
I’ve seen so many negative things written about “Funny Games”, that I feel something must be said in its defense. Funny Games is neither torture-porn nor art-house smut, as most of the critics would have you believe. Actually, it more closely resembles a classic thriller like “Cape Fear” or maybe the disturbing “Last House on the Left” than it does shitty slapstick shock horror like “Saw” or “Hostel.
In this film, the victims are fully developed and relateable adult characters rather than the usual 22-year-old models running around screaming and crying. The villains, on the other hand, are so disturbingly psychopathic that any explanation for their behavior would seem contrived, and so, no explanation is given. Seriously, when Michael Pitt breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience directly, your skin will crawl. This is where the film really excels, by the way, when it reaches out to the viewer and forces you to react. This is something that most films these days have forgotten how to do.
I’ll never see preppy dorks in quite the same way ever again.
Like the 1994 Oliver Stone picture that tackled the same basic subject matter “Natural Born Killers”, Funny Games gives bloodthirsty audiences all the horror they can stomach and more. Although no actual gore is ever really shown, the terror is tangible, and the shots are painfully long and awkward, at first exciting you with promises of bat-shit crazy murder before making you feel like a sick freak for being entertained by such a thing in the first place.
I realize that there are people who are snobs and think that a shot for shot remake of a German film is a stupid and unnessecary idea, but those people are not brilliant directors like Michael Hanaeke, so what the hell do they know anyway? Obviously Haneake felt he had good reason to remake his own film with American actors, not the least of which is simply to have access to the audience that the film exists to condemn in the first place. If Funny Games is still playing in your area, go see it, and witness one of the best and most intelligent horror pictures to hit the theaters in 10 years, even if it is technically already ten years old.
The Bad Girls Club
The Bad Girls: basically seven really loud vaginas with fists.
I hate reality shows. They take exciting subjects like Hulk Hogan or a bunch of Playboy sluts, remove everything relating to wrestling, Hulkamania, tits and sex, essentially boiling it all down to a bunch of boring ass home videos. The Bad Girls Club is the only truly honest show in the bunch. This is a show that has a cast made up entirely of alcoholic sluts that categorize themselves as “bad girls”. There is no prize to be won. There are no games, tasks or events for them to perform. There is no effort to portray them as “regular people just like you and me”. There is no chance in hell that they will all just get along. There is a 110% chance of nudity, sex, shouting matches, fist fights and madness in nearly every episode. Whereas “Keeping up with the Kardashians” is like the lame ass softcore of the genre, Bad Girls Club is more like balls out, gonzo, hardcore reality, a harem of alpha females tearing each other to shreds physically and emotionally for our amusement like pitbulls on PCP.
Dan Clowes
The prevalence of overweight, unattractive characters may be jarring to fans of superhero comics.
I realize that most of you nerds are crazy for superhero comics and everything, but maybe it’s time to try out something a little more adult. Dan Clowes is a good author to start with when entering the scary world of real-life adult graphic novels. Dan Clowes picks up where classic underground cartoonists R. Crumb and Harvey Pekar left off, spinning self-aware yarns that are mostly about love, sex, and self-loathing. I recommend you start with Ghost World, a coming of age story from an awkward female perspective that is also an excellent film starring Thora Birch and Scarlett Johansson. Pussey! (pronounce Pooh-say) is another really good one, and one that lampoons the entire comic book industry from the inside.
Obviously inspired by Too Short/2 Live Crew pimpin’ booty rap imagery.
If you’re not already listening to Dirt Nasty, then you’re a little behind the curve my friend. But don’t worry, I won’t hold that against you. I’m here to help. Dirt Nasty, otherwise known as Simon Rex, has been around for awhile but is currently enjoying a meteoric rise as an artist and an actor. You may have heard him performing as part of the Dyslexic Speedreaders, a group that also includes Mickey Avalon and Andre Legacy. You may have also seen him appearing with some regularity in high-profile skits on Funny Or Die with internet nerd-approved comedians like Nick Swardson. Dirt Nasty’s self titled album has some of the weirdest subject matter you’ll hear on any hip-hop record, from old school sex raps about goose f**king to a top-down summer jam about having a “baby dick”. You can’t go wrong with stuff like this, people. If you like hip hop, or even if you’re just in the mood for something fun and different, make this album your next purchase/download/outright theft.
Dirt Nasty’s video for 1980
