Fun With Photoshop: Gangbang!

Oh yeah, here’s the template if anybody else wants to make one too:

Boobies At The Movies: Wanted

Pretty much the best anything, ever.

Top 5 Reasons Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days

As in, more than usual…

By Larry “Stretchnuts” Johnson

Every night, when I read myself to sleep with the newspaper that I sleep under as a blanket, I see the same complaints: Everybody bitching about the recession, high gas prices, failing economy…

And I’m like, are you serious? You think you have it tough? Try being homeless these days; it’s a real sonofabitch!

Number 1 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: ATM cards

Up until the mid/late nineties, people used to carry this green stuff called cash with them everywhere they went. Credit cards had been around for awhile already, and ATM cards were becoming more and more prevalent, but at that time ATM cards weren’t good for anything other than getting more cash out when the bank was closed. Almost every bar, liquor store and restaurant in the city was “cash only.” It was like a smorgasbord!

Panhandling was at its peak in those days. Why, back in ’93, I must’ve been pulling in anywhere from five to six hundred dollars a day on my lunch break alone! I was at the height of homeless fashion, washed up in the finest restrooms, had teeth made out of diamonds, a solid gold shopping cart, a thoroughbred feral street Chihuahua, and all the rock I could smoke! Nowadays I’m lucky to scrape up enough money for a nickel bag of paint fumes!

This is like, my dream right here!

Number 2 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: Bottled water

Remember back before you could buy a bottle of water for two dollars at the supermarket? You used to be able to drink it for free on every street corner in America back when we used to have these things called “drinking fountains”. I don’t know if the bottled water companies asked to have them removed or if they just got taken away because of disuse, but just you try finding some clean water to drink in the city these days! The only upside to it is that you people generally throw away half drank bottles, which we can then finish and also recycle the bottle. So I guess it’s not a total loss, but once again, your convenience is our inconvenience, you pricks.

Number 3 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: Cell Phones

Cell phones are a two-part problem for the homeless. For one, nobody uses pay phones anymore, which always used to be the best place to find handfuls of leftover change. For two, since the advent of Bluetooth earpieces, it’s impossible to tell a businessperson apart from a genuine crazy-ass nut job. Especially when all these goddamn hipsters go around dressed like they too, are homeless. Hey assholes! Stop taking all the good shit from the Salvation Army, already! Some of us have to shop there un-ironically!


That there is one fine motor coach!

Number 4 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: Gas Prices

Used to be you could have a pretty nice little home in your car, a mobile crash pad that suited the nomadic lifestyle. Nowadays it’d be cheaper to rent an apartment! For starters, you can’t park any goddamn place, and there’s so much traffic, you may as well just walk everywhere, it takes about the same amount of time. And five bucks a gallon? Five mother f**king dollars?! My ’73 Lincoln Continental burns a gallon of gas every ten minutes, so I’m pretty much boned there. Maybe twenty years from now you’ll be able to buy a (very) used hybrid for three hundred dollars, but until then, it’s back to the bicycle for me. On the upside: I’ve never been in better shape! (Although I have been hit by a car like three times this week alone…)

Number 5 Reason Why it Sucks to Be Homeless These Days: Global Warming

It’s so hot! Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket! And sunblock is expensive. People always see me relaxing in the shade, and they’re all like “Hey, you, why don’t you get a job, buddy!” And I’m like “Because I’ll get skin cancer if I go out in the sun, asshole, its like three hundred degrees out!”

I swear. You people are perfectly willing to destroy the environment just so you can drive an SUV and then you act like I’m the problem. If I didn’t already know that morons driving in SUVs were already broke from the gas pump, I’d mug every last one of them just out of spite!

Next time you see me on the street, don’t be such a cheap ass and give me a dollar for chrissakes!

Jerkoffs You Are Sure to Meet in Art School

And you thought frat bros were annoying…

By Jeremy Azevedo

Everybody knows that people who go to art school are essentially attention whores with unrealistic expectations. The general consensus is that most every art student is a stoner with rich parents that want their little self-absorbed emo douchebag child to graduate from college, even if it’s some kind of Micky Mouse drawing college that has commercials on late night TV…

But are all art school students really as 2-dimensional as all that? It just so turns out that I number among their kind, and am prepared to share with all of you what I’ve learned about the different kinds of people that populate this misunderstood niche of American culture:

The Rich Kid

One hour later, this asshole will be telling everyone he’s from Compton or something.

This prick comes from a rich family, but you’d never know it because they are pretending to slum it in art school until they run out of drug money and have to go back to work at their father’s company. This person will never actually become an artist, let alone graduate. But they do always have blow, and can probably pull chicks from the upper caste that would never talk to you otherwise, so they’re great to have around.

The Genuine Maniac

Now this is why they don’t paint nurseries with lead-based paint any more.

Everybody in art school pretends to be stranger than they actually are to get attention. It just goes with the territory. This person is not faking it. The Maniac is a person that is so crazy, he makes everyone else look like a total square. This weird bastard will either greatly annoy you or greatly entertain you, depending on your tolerance level for paintings made with human feces, taxidermied duck fetuses and ten foot tall prints of the artists balls, slathered in macaroni and cheese. It’s best not to ever make direct eye contact with The Maniac, but seeing other people’s reactions to their “work” is almost always a laugh riot.
The Snob

Snotty little 20 year old “cultural elitists” looking all serious and stuff.

Every art school has an army of these guys. Snobs are the jerkoffs that think everything sucks except for the shit that other snobs all agree to approve of (at least for the time being). These assholes all dress in black and probably wear neck scarves, Buddy Holly glasses and/or berets, even though everyone knows that they look totally gay. The Snob will lecture you endlessly about art any time they are given the chance, so be careful not to engage them in conversation unless you are trying to sex up a female Snob. All that self-righteousness makes them very horny, and all the male Snobs are gay with each other (although they’ll never admit it). Because they are wound up so tight and have no way to release their aggression physically, the female Snob is a real wildcat in bed.

The Virgin

“We’re gonna get so much pussy in art school, whooooo!”

There are dorks who never got laid in high school that think that by going to art school, they will have a better chance at getting some trim. The reasoning for this is that there are no jocks or frat boys at art school. Sadly, the alpha-male protocol applies to nerds too, and there will always be someone higher on the food chain than these hopeless dweebs. If a Virgin should ever make it to senior year, they will have gradually evolved into “The Date Rapist”.

The Retard

Brilliant performance art or dangerously unhygienic

The Retard is in art school only because it’s so difficult to find a babysitter for a grown man with a propensity for making decorative macaroni pictures. Art school is the perfect place for a complete and total spazz, because while it may be easy to spot a tard in a Molecular Biology or English Literature class, it’s significantly less so in an art class where the line between genius and mongoloid is a very thin one indeed. There ought to be grades given out for holding in your laughter when The Retard presents their projects, because it’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in art school.

The Housewife

So… Goddamn… Creepy…

This sad creature is in her late 40’s has been a housewife all her life, hasn’t spoken to her husband in years, and hasn’t gotten laid in decades. The Housewife is looking for meaning in her empty life by exploring her creative side. You would expect an expression of utter nihilism from such an empty, broken subject, but instead what you get is insipid flower paintings and photographs of other people’s babies. The Housewife will almost certainly come on to you in some fumbling and desperate manner, but do not confuse The Housewife with a “Cougar”. They are not even the same species, and even The Virgin would not let one of these hankmonsters climb on top of them.

The Art Slut

Just tell her you “admire her artistic vision” and she’ll spread like butter on toast.

The old adage says that if she smokes, she pokes. An old art school adage says that the number of visible piercings on a female student’s body directly correlates to her average number of sex partners on a weekly basis. The Art Slut is always “down to blaze”. The Art Slut will gladly pose nude for your photography/fine art illustration/film/astronomy and/or contemporary basketweaving project. The Art Slut is bisexual. The Art Slut will give you an STD. Whatever you do, never, EVER date an Art Slut. They are all bat shit crazy and will probably cut you.

The Goddamn Kiss-Ass

Now THIS GUY knows the way to his burned out failure of an instructor’s heart!

This little jerk knows everything about every single instructor, and never hesitates to show off their “worldly” appreciation of said instructors’ work. This is made especially annoying by it’s completely obvious transparency, as all of your instructors are total failures and everybody knows it. This will not help the little prick get a gallery show or anything, because all the instructors really wants is for someone to give them some really good pot after class.

Check back next week for “More Jerkoffs You Are Sure to Meet in Art School”!

May Free MP3 Round Up

New music from The Kills, Dizzee Rascal, The Sword and more!

By Jeremy Azevedo

Are you tired of letting “The Man” tell you what kind of music you should be listening to? I know I am!

So let me tell you what kind of music to listen to instead, and download these tracks right now goddamnit!

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Artist: Dizzee Rascal
Song: Where Da G’s?

DIZZEE RASCAL’s new album, Maths & English is CraveOnline’s favorite hip-hop album of the year thus far (Even though technically it already came out a year ago in the UK). An expert blend of gangster, grime and dance, the US release comes to us with two new all-songs, courtesy of Dej Jux Records.

Where Da G’s?

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Artist: The Kills
Song: Cheap and Cheerful

THE KILLS are super hipsters, another male/female duo whose relationship to one another is the stuff of speculation, much like the White Stripes (To whom they are often compared).

Cheap and Cheerful

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Artist: Cool Kids
Song: Miami Beach

Remember 80s bass music? Like DJ Magic Mike and all that? COOL KIDS do. Miami Beach is a throwback 808 track that will bring a tear of nostalgia to everyone who grew up listening to 2 Live Crew and the Egyptian Lover.

Miami Beach

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Artist: The Sword
Song: Fire Lances of the Ancient Hyperzephyrians

Words cannot describe how bitchen’ THE SWORD is. If anyone has really nailed down the Black Sabbath stoner metal style that’s been making a dramatic comeback these last couple of years, it’s THE SWORD. Plus you can’t possible fault a song with a sweet name like “Fire Lances of the Ancient Hyperzephyrians”.

Fire Lances of the Ancient Hyperzephyrians

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Artist: Tapes ‘n Tapes
Song: Hang Them All

Tapes’n Tapes is so indie that they make MGMT look like Jefferson f’ing Starship. Plus their video for “Hang Them All” is pretty funny, so you should check that out too.

Hang Them All

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Artist: Printmatic
Song: Time Management: Revisted

PRINTMATIC is one of those guys that keeps committing career suicide by changing his name more often than Kool Keith. But whether you know him as PRINTMATIC, Blueprint or Soul Position, this is one talented and well-connected dude. On his latest album, “Vitamins & Minerals”, look for cameos by Slug, Eyedea, Aesop, and more.

Time Management: Revisited

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Artist: New Jack Hustle
Song: All City Anthem

Everyone knows that you can’t swing a dead cat without smacking an indie rapper in New York City. But did you know that there’s an indie hip-hop scene in Los Angeles too? Me neither. Hopefully New Jack Hustle can help alleviate that problem with their clever combination of backpacker rap and LA thug mentality.

All City Anthem

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Artist: Bisc1
Song: Turbulence

BISC1 hails from Connecticut, which for a rapper is probably a constant embarrassment. I mean, have you ever even met a person from Connecticut, really? BISC1 combats this social stigma by overcompensating with carefully crafted flows that make a mockery of many of his more credible peers.

Turbulence

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Artist: Baroness
Song: Wanderlust

Like the G.I. Joe character that BARONESS is almost surely not named after, this band’s music is sexy, evil and misunderstood at the same time. If you’re a fan of 90s doom metal, you’ll hear a strong resemblance to The Obsessed here.

Wanderlust